Garage Door The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question. As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.' He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?' She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.. An elderly gentleman.... Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.' The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!' Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?' 'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.' An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?' Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he d didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.' Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember .. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure..' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast ?' A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?' 'Yep!' 'Do I know her?' 'Nope!' 'This woman, is she good looking?' 'Not really.' 'Is she a good cook?' 'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 'Does she have lots of money?' 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 'I don't know.' 'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?' 'Because she can still drive!' Three old guys are out walking. First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!' Third one says, 'So am I.. Let's go get a beer..' Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.' One more. . .! A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlorand pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.' Now , before you 'forget', send them on to some other folks you know who could use a good laugh
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Sunday, January 31, 2010
LAST POST TODAY........
..and thus, ARSENAL got raped....
A PRAYER FOR MY BELOVED ARSENAL...LOL
sunday special
HoW To: Even tHe ScoRe...
Yet we all have ways of coping with infidelity – some see it as a nuisance they have to tolerate until it goes away, if ever. Others see it as the height of betrayal that might take them forever to forgive, but never to forget. “My wife is a very passionate woman”, Oye, a 49-year old mechanical engineer sadly noticed when discussing his wife’s infidelity.
“What kept on playing through my mind was how she could be the same passionate way with another man. I mean, why would she want another man in the first place? We had everything going for us, the kids were doing well and she had a respectable job. Why jeopardize all that by opting for an affair?” Passion’?
Oye sneered when I mentioned the word. What passion would a middle-age woman be looking for? But Gladys his wife had a different story to tell. “He seldom listened to what I said in the few years preceeding the affair,” she confessed? “Whenever I discussed anything with him, he scarcely listened.
And then he became a member of a couple of elite clubs and started club-hopping. Most nights, he would go to the club after work, then come home drunk. Whenever I complained, he was always ready for a verbal war. Accusations would fly left, right and centre. I reminded him a few times that we hadn’t made love for months. Whenever I tried, he always shrugged me off.
“When one of my do-gooder friends warned I should wean him off his girlfriend, I saw red. He was always bringing her to the club she alleged and they were often lovey-dovey in public glare. The day I dropped in casually at the club’s bar and found the two of them almost eating each other up, I felt really deflated. Oye looked defiant and the silly girl just looked at her hands as if there were some interesting messages written on them. I felt really sick. I just turned on my heel and left. Oye yelled after me, but I got into the car and asked the driver to take off.
“He had some funny stories to tell when he came home but something kind of died in me that night. I was in the office when Lani, an old friend dropped by shortly after this incident. I just wanted a male opinion, so I told him what had just happened to me.
That I knew Oye had had the odd affair, but to make this last one a sort of banquet was humiliating. He was furious at him and when he asked me to come with him for lunch, I agreed. We sent for lunch in his office with a bottle of wine he had in the fridge. We were nicely tipsy as we polished off the wine on his office sofa.
When he tried to kiss me, which he’s done often, I didn’t push him off. In fact I desperately wanted him to kiss me. This would be the perfect revenge for me. The kissing turned more passionate and he gently turned the key in the lock. Then we made love there in the sofa. It was frantic and steamy. First my husband had stopped making love to me. Then he’d cheated. Now I’d cheated on him too, Game, set and match.’
“We had sex a few times more but I still cherished my marriage and told Lani we should put an end to it. He was afterall a respectable married man. He told me anytime I needed comforting, he would always be there for me. To this day, I don’t know what madness possessed Oye to scroll through my text messages – that’s how he found out about Lani. He sent him a nasty text and looked as if he wanted to beat me up. Of course I lied through the teeth that we didn’t sleep together – just had lunch. But he didn’t believe me. Yet I would never have gotten over the humiliation of his cheating if I hadn’t evened the score…”
It wasn’t long after this couple’s story that I ran into Ranti at another friend’s party. Sherifat, the friend had always complained she had this gut feeling that her husband was sleeping with Ranti. “She’s told me of all the small contracts he help her corner in the oil company he works for”, fumed Sherifat. “She brings gifts to the house too to say thank you and domestics have snitched she sometimes comes to the house whenever I travel…”.
So what was Ranti doing at her party? Come to think of it, why are they seeming good friends all of a sudden? “Because I’m now sleeping with her husband”, Sherifat said smugly. “You know I’ve started this corporate gifts business and Ranti’s husband has been a big help in the success of my business. So, from time to time, I go to their house to say thank you just as she comes to mine to thank my husband. I’ve made love on their matrimonial bed too -just as she must have done on mine. Scores even!
“I’m sure my husband has his suspicion – afterall it is the same relationship I have with Ranti’s husband that she has with mine. Short of catching me red-handed – which would never happen, we all have to relax and play at being very good family friends!”
My Advice to all the dulling husbands out there???Don't "love" up your marriages.....if u wanna mess around before you get married, thats fine(after all, you are being a sharp guy), but don't push ur woman to the pits......
EPIC FAILURE OF THE DAY.....NNPC IS BROKE????
The Minister of state for finance, Remi Babalola. Photo: SUNDAY ADEDEJI
NNPC is broke, says finance minister
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The Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation (NNPC) may not be able to pay up its debts as a result of cash flow problems, the Minister of State for Finance, Remi Babalola, said at the weekend in Abuja.
Mr. Babalola, who was speaking with journalists during a workshop on ‘Understanding the operations of the Oil and Gas Industry in Nigeria" organised by the NNPC for members of the Federation Account Allocation Committee (FAAC), said the only reason the corporation has not paid the N450 billion debt owed to the federal government was "its cash flow problem."
He said: "We (the FAAC) do not have a problem with the NNPC. There would be a problem if the debtor said he does not agree it was owing. But, this is a debtor that has owned up, and has even spoken that there is no debate about the fact that it is owing N450 billion. So, where then is the problem? The problem now, however, is about their cash flow situation, and how they would be able to pay back the money. That is a different ball game altogether."
Asked why he claimed there was no problem when the NNPC has consistently refused to either pay up the debt nor provide a schedule on when and how the repayment would be done, despite several demands by the committee, Mr. Babalola said, "I know for a fact that the way NNPC is as at today, they do not have the cash flow to pay the debt. There is no doubt in my mind about that.
"First, what we tried to do was to make them acknowledge that they are owing; which we have succeeded to establish that they are owing. That is a good step forward. How are they going to pay? There are so many ways they can pay. It is just like when Nigeria was owing over $30billion. They can even borrow to be able to pay."
When asked to speak on why the Committee, which is composed of Commissioners of Finance and Accountant Generals of the 36 States of the Federation and the Federal Capital Territory (FCT), had to allow the debt accumulate to over N450 billion, the minister pointed out that "it was a long term thing," assuring that the government would ensure that it does not happen again.
On what government is doing to stop the NNPC from continuing with the practice of always deducting subsidy (petroleum products imports) from revenues meant to be transferred to the Federation Account, Mr. Babalola said a structure is being worked out to take care of that.
"I think we (FAAC) also don't want to create something that would cause confusion in the supply chain. We would work out an arrangement whereby before they can make any withdrawal, they would need to actually go through the PPPRA (Petroleum Products Pricing Regulatory Agency) to make sure that we are comfortable with the auditing."
Discrepancies in accounts
Last year, following the huge discrepancies discovered in the accounts of the NNPC, its management was asked to appear before the FAAC for a proper reconciliation of its books after it claimed that the debt was as a result of deductions for payments of joint venture cash call, as well as subsidies for importation and supply of petroleum products.
After refusing to honour the invitation on several occasions, FAAC, during its meeting last December, expressed strong reservations for the corporation's behaviour, issuing an ultimatum to its Group Managing Director, Mohammed Barkindo, to furnish it with the framework detailing the repayment schedule.
Workshop in place of repayment plan
Rather than provide the schedule during the committee's meeting early this month, NEXT gathered that the NNPC management offered to sponsor a workshop that would help educate members on the operations of the nation's oil and gas industry.
The Minister of Petroleum Resources, Rilwanu Lukman, described the workshop as critical arguing it would help to increase the understanding of stakeholders on the oil industry, remove the doubt and suspicion as well as facilitate better service delivery.
In a 81-page presentation on "Upstream Contract Arrangements & Fiscal Regimes", the General Manager, Planning, National Petroleum Investments Management Services (NAPIMS), Victor Briggs, took participants through the operational processes in the nation's oil and gas industry, particularly on the compositions of operating and investment costs as well as how revenue accrue to the Federation Account from industry operations.
Mr. Briggs, who also spoke on the importance of the Petroleum Industry Bill (PIB), said the inability to maintain industry funding level would imperil the funds available to FAAC in the short, medium and long term.
"Country's growth aspiration which is hinged on a significant contribution from JV oil and gas production volumes will not be attained. Government Revenues will be significantly improved by the passage of the proposed Petroleum Industry Bill (PIB)," he said.
CULLED FROM WWW.234NEXT.COM
About FOllowing Me...
Michael Jackson's Choreographer Teaches Dancing Filipino Prisoners 'This Is It' Routine
Michael Jackson was a fan of the more than 1,500 Filipino inmates who performed the choreography for his video "Thriller" in 2007 and created a viral hit.
Jackson watched the videos of Cebu Provincial Detention And Rehabilitation Center (CPDRC) prisoners during breaks from his tour rehearsals for "This Is It," his choreographer Travis Payne said.
Payne recently contacted Cebu Governor Gwendolyn Garcia, and arranged to make a surprise visit to meet the performers in the high security prison, the Philippines' Manila Bulletin reported.
Payne spent two hours on Sun., Jan. 17, and Mon., Jan. 18, teaching the dancers the routines from Jackson's posthumous "This Is It" film.
"The Drill" is the last scene Payne and Jackson worked on together before the pop icon died in June. The clip was released over the weekend, days before the Tues., Jan. 26 release of the "This Is It" DVD.
The CPDRC performance videos of Jackson's "Thriller," "Dangerous," and the Village People's "Y.M.C.A," among others, are all well done.
But Payne, who worked with Jackson for more than 10 years, was able to take their performance to new heights. Their rendition of Jackson's "They Don't Really Care About Us" is comparable to the scene in "This Is It."
The "This Is It" version is a highlight of the film. It features a group of dancers who were digitally replicated to appear as an army. Payne's work with the CPDRC men brought this virtual sequence to real life.
The inmates were not initially receptive to participating in the choreographed dances, said Bryon Garcia, a security consultant for the prison. He suggested the activity to keep the prisoners busy during their downtime, the Manila Bulletin reported.
According to the New York Times, Bryon decided to post videos of the prisoners dancing online to publicize some of the positive changes he implemented at Cebu since joining the staff in 2004
Saturday, January 30, 2010
3SOMES AND WHAT NOTS...
Most women want to show their man that they are down for whatever, ride or die! So, is it really okay to go to a strip club with your man? Would he even want you there with him?
Many women say that they don’t have a problem sitting next to their man while he’s getting a lap dance or slapping some girl on her ass. Is it called insecurity for me to quote Whitney and say, “Hell to the naw!!” Some things are just better left alone. Besides, would your man be able to take sitting next to you while a male stripper was gyrating all up on you? I think not!
There are a different set of rules when it comes to male/female relationships. Some guys would think it is hot to watch their woman get a lap dance from another woman. These would probably also be the same guys who liked swinging and open relationships.
Be careful who and what you invite into your relationship!
THe tAlE of thE phOnE dAtE
2010 is my year
